Silent No More
by Nora-HBS-Girl
Summary: Nora flees from an abusive relationship and takes on a new case in order to prove herself to the agency she once let down...but will se be able to protect the people she loves when the enemy is one they know...What secret is she hiding that keeps her shut off from the world? (Formerly "Empty".)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story was originally penned as "Empty" but I decided it could benefit from a rewrite. It will be largely AU so keep that in mind while reading. (Probably not for Sam fans either. lol)**

**Chapter One**

She thinks there was probably some sappy love song playing on the radio as she drove through the rain storm but she couldn't remember now. The only thought that penetrated her conscious brain in that moment was "Enough." She didn't know where she was going but she knew it couldn't be here. Somewhere in the midst of all the clutter in her car, her phone was ringing.

"_Don't go back Nora...don't go back,_" she whispers to herself, as she clutches the gun in a shaky hand. There was no chance of that now. She was running from another mistake that could cost her everything she had left. She was running and she wouldn't stop now. Not when her life could depend on what she did now.

Somewhere in the distance, she could see the faint silhouette of a traffic light...she just couldn't decipher the color. "_Get a grip Nora, get a grip,_" she told herself, as she kept driving. Between the rain and her tears, she could barely see out of her windows...Up ahead, she would have to make a decision... which way to turn...If she turned right, she could be headed into the direction of another past she had left over ten years ago...if she turned left, she would be going in the other direction...

* * *

><p>"<em>What do you mean you don't know where she is...how can you lose track of a woman who just shot a man,<em>" Bo said into his phone? He ran a finger across a picture of his ex wife...he wouldn't let them hunt her down like an animal...not until he knew the full story...he owed her that much...didn't he?

"Look, whatever you're thinking... don't...I know this woman better than anyone...if you come after her with guns blazing, you're just going to scare her...and trust me, that's when she's the most dangerous...let me handle this...at least give me twenty four hours to handle this?"

He slammed the phone into it's cradle as he slipped the picture back into it's locked drawer. Nobody knew he still kept anything from that life. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it was better to think that they had both moved on.

He walked out into the squad room and immediately all the whispering stopped...he knew they were gossiping about her...a woman that had once filled the police station with light. "Don't stop on my account," he barked. And that was it. One stern word from the police commissioner and every one of them was back to business as usual. It was times like these when he really despised being a cop.

* * *

><p><em>Death...in a word, that was what she saw in his eyes...his cold, lifeless eyes, that bore right into her with a fury she had never seen before.<em>

"_You are nothing," he screamed at her, as he jerked her roughly against him by her hair. "You hear me...It's no wonder your husband left you...you're worthless...who would want to saddle themselves with trash like you."_

_She willed herself not to cry...he was hurting her so bad... but she was used to it...so used to it, she had hardened her heart long ago...why else would she stay...because he was right...on some level she believed that he was right and she had nothing left...she had nobody that would give a damn about her...nobody._

_When he slammed her into the headboard, she couldn't help the tears that fell...he was going to kill her...that much she knew...a part of her almost wished he would...She wished he would just end her pain...but of course that was too good to hope for...he just kept pounding her against the headboard as he beat her...and then he said it...the words that had her reaching for the pistol in the back of her jeans..._

_"It's a good thing you lost custody of your brat. You're a terrible mother Nora. He's better off never knowing where he came from."_

_And that was it...she broke free of his grasp for just a second...and a second was all she needed...she aimed the pistol right at him..._

_"Say your prayers baby...I'm sending you straight to hell."_

_And with that she pulled the trigger...she watched him fall unconscious on their bed...the bed where her blood still stained the headboard...and she ran...She ran even though she was sure she would pass out from the injuries...She had taken his abuse for the last time._

She blinked back the tears as she snapped out of the flashback...she knew they would be looking for her...He was one of their own after all...

"I need air," she whispered, as she let the windows roll down...once again, she had trusted the wrong person...once again, she had proven why having no personal life was better for her...and then she heard the distinctive ring coming from her phone...this time she knew exactly who it was...Pulling over, she reached in the back of her car, and grabbed it.

"Agent Hanen Here," she said.

"Hello Nora," John said into the phone. He was her partner. At least he was until she was taken off of active duty.

"Why are you calling me John," she asked? "Don't you hate me too?"

"I could never hate you and you know that...I'm giving you a chance to prove yourself to the agency...are you interested?"

"_Of course I'm interested,"_ she said, a little too fast. "I need to get the hell out of this town anyways...where's the case?"

"Llanview," he said...and she froze. She guessed she should have expected it. She hadn't been back there since she left it ten years ago and yet...some days it felt like she hadn't left at all.

"The case," she found herself asking...is it..."

"Yes...it involves him Nora...It involves your ex husband...you're going to have to work with him...will that be a problem for you?"

She could have told him the truth...which is that seeing Bo Buchanan again was sure to affect her ability to do_anything_ rationally...but that wasn't the way to get her on the case...and truthfully, she had been a coward for far too long...Maybe facing him would show her how to be strong again...Maybe it was her ticket back to who she used to be... instead of the shell she walked around in now...the shell that she hated with every fiber of her being...

"I need this case John...I can do it," she found herself saying.

"That's what I thought...meet me here as soon as you can...you know the place."

"I do," she said, and hung up the phone. She couldn't help wondering if the police station still looked the same...but more then that...she wondered if _he_ did...She could deny it all she wanted but her heart was still in knots just by the mention of his name...How would she ever be able to do this?

"You have no choice Nora...you've run out of options...this is your last chance...you can do it...you can."

She took a few deep breaths and turned the car back on...Her decision had been made for her...She was headed back to Llanview.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

She wondered momentarily if she should stop somewhere and clean up the mess he had made of her face...but she knew it was only wasted time. She could put on all the makeup she could find but it wouldn't cover up the bruises he had put on her body...the black eye...the scars forever burned into her soul.

With tears in her eyes, she continued down that dark road, thoughts of the life she left behind burning in her aching flesh.

_"Matthew...Matthew no...Matthew"_

_"Let him go Nora...you lost custody...let him go," Sam said, as he ripped the child from her arms._

_"You are a monster, you know that? What kind of man uses an innocent child to get back at his mother...all because I...I never loved you...You aren't a man at all...You make me sick."_

_"I hope that thought keeps you warm at night...because you will never see your son again...never..."_

_"I hope you Rot in hell, you sick son of a bitch."_

_She looked him dead in the eyes right before she slapped him hard across the face...She managed a quick kiss on the baby's head before Sam headed towards the door...leaving her running after him screaming..."Don't take my baby...please...please come back...Matthew...Matthew, baby, I love you...don't forget that...please..."_

_But he never heard her...he was just a baby and he would never remember her...All she could do was sink down to the floor of her too big house and cry. She had lost everything on that day._

* * *

><p>Bo was just coming around the corner of the police station when John pulled him back. "Agent McBain," he said, showing him his badge. "We need to talk."<p>

"Can this wait...I Need to find my ex wife...It's important."

"She'll be here soon...She's my partner."

He could feel the color drain from his face. He hadn't seen her in over ten years and during that time, she had become an FBI Agent. How much more was he missing from her life?

"Follow me," he said, and they walked into his office and sat down to wait. Bo wouldn't tell John about the phone call he received...at least not until he could see for himself that she was alright. John wouldn't tell Bo a thing about Nora's life in the last ten years...not without her permission. So instead, they simply sat in silence. Both of them had Nora on their minds.

* * *

><p>She walked in an hour later, and they both stood. She acknowledged John with a half smile and he pulled her into his arms for a hug.<p>

"What happened to you Sparky...Did...did _he_ do this to you?"

She could feel the tension in the room as she pulled away...she didn't want to admit to anything here...not in front of her past.

"By _he_, is he talking about officer Perry," Bo asked, looking right at her? She avoids his eyes and doesn't really respond to his question.

"How do you know Commissioner, "John asked? "Did something happen?"

"The Chicago police are looking for her...I told them to give me twenty four hours to handle it...Apparently she shot him."

"Is that true...Did you shoot him...after...after he did _this _to you?"

She felt so light headed that she had to grab on to the chair before she collapsed. Bo handed her a glass of water as she sat.

"I don't see you for ten years and it doesn't even warrant a hello...I'm hurt," he said.

"Hello Bo...Better now."

"Not Particularly...why don't you tell me how the hell you wound up in so much trouble...You're not going to be much good to us if you wind up behind bars...or worse."

"He's right Nora," John said. "You are on shaky ground right now with the bureau. You need to give us something to work with."

"_You want something to work with John? You want to dissect my life_," she cried..."_Here's the sad truth...I was stupid okay...plain and simple. I thought he actually cared about me. I thought he was different. Just like every other man in my life, I was dead wrong...this time it almost killed me for real." _

John was handing her a box of tissues and trying to soothe her but all Bo could do was stare at her. He hadn't seen her in over ten years and yet...even with the scars on her body, she still looked the same...exactly the same as when she left...Beautiful. He couldn't stop himself from asking, even though he knew he shouldn't.

"Are you saying you were wrong about me too Nora...Can you honestly stand there and put us all in the same category?"

"Maybe I can...Maybe I think men are all the same... _stop...stop looking at me like that okay...just stop." _

"I can't help it Nora...you still look the same...How is that possible...how can you still look incredible...don't you ever age?"

"I don't want to talk about this Bo...we have more important things to discuss..."

"Oh I don't know...maybe we should talk about the reason you are _still_ so bitter...it can't be healthy for our case...or you."

"I'll be right outside," John said quietly. "Talk to him Nora. You know you need to."

After John closed the door, Nora turned towards Bo, still shaking.

"_Bitter...you want to talk about why you think I'm bitter...now why on earth would I be bitter?"_

"Nora..."

"_Okay so maybe I am bitter...maybe I do lump you in that category with all the men who have ever let me down over the years. But you'll have to forgive me if I don't particularly like the stuff that I see in the papers...You decided that our marriage wasn't worth fighting for...(Putting a hand up to stop him from speaking)...and yes I know all about what I did...you haven't let me forget that...but what about what you did...are you ever going to take any of the blame? Sometimes life isn't as cut and dried as you make it seem Bo...You can't wrap it up in a nice, neat little package and put all the blame on me...you had a role in it too...and I am so sick of men just dancing around what they really mean...Do you have any idea how many lives you destroy when you don't follow through?"  
><em>  
>"When did you suddenly become so cynical? "<p>

"_Oh gee, I don't know...maybe it was between the time you threw me away like yesterday's garbage and when you hopped in the sack with every blond bimbo you could find...starting with Lindsay...or hey...maybe it was when I lost custody of my son...but you probably find that to be some kind of karmic justice right...that kid...the problem that wrecked our lives...Congratulations Bo...You win...I lost everything."  
><em>  
>"This isn't a game Nora...and believe it or not, It doesn't make me happy to know that you lost your son...I know how that feels...I would never wish that on anyone..."<p>

"It doesn't much matter what you wished for does it...because Sam and his ridiculous lawyers got the whole world to paint me out as some … what's the term they use nowadays… a slut, a whore. Take your pick because I can guarantee you that it wasn't as bad as what they said in court. And at the end of the day what did that all add up to? That I wasn't fit to raise my own kid.

" But why? Why would he do that to you? "

" Why _not?_ I left him. I didn't want to have a relationship with him after you left me. I guess he was just taking his revenge on me because I never loved him… I never wanted him… and I sure as hell didn't want a life with him. Then again, in this town, who really needs a reason right? I was the town pariah for slandering the _great _Buchanan name. Why do you _think_ I left? I didn't want to stick around and give everyone in this Godforsaken town the chance to break me. I didn't want to have to pretend that I didn't know when people were talking behind my back. And believe me Bo… I knew. There were whispers. There were crude jokes. Hell I almost lost my job because of it. Who would be stupid enough to stay where you're not wanted? Where everyone you used to know… who used to respect you… love you… where they all treat you like garbage… like you have some sort of virus that they don't want to catch. You know me better then that? Scratch that… You used to know me...You don't know me at all anymore. But you don't have to worry Bo… as soon as this case is over, I'll be out of your hair. I'll go back to living my life from coast to coast and you can go back to doing whatever it is you're doing these days. "

"I want to help you Nora...please...let me help you."

"You can't help me Bo...It's too late for that...Do yourself a favor and forget about me...Who wants to be saddled with damaged goods?"

She walked out his door to join John and he couldn't stop the sadness that overcame him. _What the hell had happened to the woman he used to know? When had she started to hate herself so much?  
><em>  
>"What aren't you telling me Nora? It can't just be because we didn't last, can it? <em>I<em> didn't do this to you did I?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Nora, you can't just ignore this," John said. "There's a warrant out for your arrest. Do you know the kind of hoops I had to jump through to get you on this case...please...please work with me here. Let me take you to the hospital."

"Why don't you let _me_ do that Agent Mcbain, " Bo said, as he came out of the office?

"I'm not going _anywhere_ with _you_," she said, as she turned back to John.

"I think you have to," John stated. "You two need to deal with your shit if we're going to be working on a case together. Lives are at stake here Nora."

"What do you mean," she started to ask but John cut her off?

"We can talk about this tomorrow...right now, you need to set the record straight with the Chicago Police. And I think right now your ex husband is better equipped at helping you then I am."

"But John..."

"Go with him Nora...Please..."

"Relax Nora...It's a 20 minute drive," Bo said.

"A lot can happen in 20 minutes," she said, as she gave him the evil glare and followed him outside. John couldn't help but shake his head when he watched them walk away. He knew how much Bo had hurt her but he also understood that right now, it was more important for them to settle their differences so they could at least stand to be in the same room together. How else were they going to be able to catch a crazed killer?

John took out the newspaper and studied the profile of the man they had dubbed the "_Black Rose Killer_." He didn't know how to tell his partner that everything that had happened before was not isolated events...The killer was leaving a calling card...and it was signed with her blood.

* * *

><p>"Bo, this really isn't necessary," she said, as he opened the door for her. "I can drive myself."<p>

"Except you won't...and we both know it. Now get in."

She would have protested but she knew it would do no good so she simply climbed into the passenger side of his truck. When he turned on the ignition, she looked at him painfully.

"I don't need a babysitter Bo. I am _perfectly_ capable taking care of myself. "

"I never said you weren't...but every now and then, it's okay for you to not be this person who doesn't ever fall apart. It's okay to ask for help."

"I don't need _anything_ from _you_...the last time I thought I did, you broke me."

_"How...How did I hurt you that much when you were the one who stepped out on us...you were the one who walked away?"_

_"I wanted you to fight for me damn it...I wanted you to make me feel like I was worth something...How can you not understand what you walking away did to me? You didn't even try to forgive me...you let the world think that Sam was right...Is that honestly how you think of me Bo...Did I mean that little to you that you could just flip a switch and go from loving me to hating me in less than a second? How did you do it...I want to know...how did you manage to turn your feelings off that quickly? Why wasn't I good enough for you?"_

"_Is that what you think...do you honestly think I stopped loving you...I could never stop loving you Nora..."_

"_That bull shit_...Every time I picked up the paper, I saw some article about you and one of your many sorted affairs...women you almost married...either I meant nothing to you or you're just a man whore...either way, you aren't the man I thought you were..."

"I don't know what I can possibly say to that...you're not even willing to listen to reason right now..."

"Bo, you _left_ me...you didn't show up in court when Sam took my child...and you didn't try to find me...what was I _supposed_ to think?"

"I didn't know you wanted me to follow you..."

"A woman _always_ wants a man to follow her...she wants to know he cares..."

"You are _impossible_, you know that..."

"Then you should be glad you divorced me..."

He let out a frustrated grunt before he pulled the car to a stop in the hospital parking lot.

"Are you ever going to talk about the elephant in the room Nora...You're the strongest person I know...but you aligned yourself with an abuser who almost killed you...why would you stay in a situation like that...why?"

"Maybe I'm just not the person you think I am anymore...maybe I just don't care."

She opened the car door and he did the same...they didn't say a word as they walked to the ER.

_Something had happened to her...something that turned her heart as cold as stone...he needed to find out what that was...he was afraid that if he didn't, she would become another casualty of the abuse...he just couldn't stand to watch his ex wife suffer this way...he couldn't stand to watch her drown in a self inflicted pool of guilt. _

"I'm going to help you Nora...whether you like it or not," he thought to himself ,as they stepped inside. He prayed it wasn't too late for her to be healed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

She felt like the exam was another layer of the abuse she had suffered for way too long...Every time the doctor would have to touch her, she would close her eyes and blink back tears from the pain. She wished that Bo would have waited for her in the waiting room but for some reason he was refusing to leave her side. It's not like she could sneak out a window...she was in far too much pain for that.

"You're lucky to be alive," the doctor finally stated.

"What does that mean," Nora asked?

"It means that the bleeding in your brain could have been a lot worse. It could have been fractured. You also seem to have some severe bruising throughout your body but I don't have to tell you that it could have been worse. "

"So what's the prognosis," Bo asked?

"She needs to be admitted overnight...head and shoulders slightly raised on the pillow. If we can't get the blood to drain on it's own, we will have to surgically remove it. No arguments Nora. I don't want to see you end up here again."

"Don't worry...I won't...would you mind taking pictures...I have a feeling I'm going to need to document this."

"Finally something that sounds smart," the petite woman doctor stated. "I will be right back."

When she walked out of the room, Nora turned to face Bo. "Why didn't you tell me that your life was so bad," he asked her?

"You don't expect a serious answer to that do you? "

"You shouldn't have had to cover up so much...you shouldn't have had to deal with this at all. I'm sorry."

She said nothing as the doctor walked in. For a moment, he thought that Nora would ask him to leave but for some reason she didn't. He was heartbreakingly aware of all she had suffered when pictures were taken in silence. When the doctor left, he helped her back into her hospital gown.

"It will be alright Nora. First thing tomorrow, we will have a press conference. We'll get the Chicago police off your back. After that, you and I will talk to John. Everything else will keep for now."

"Thank you Bo...I know you know how hard this has been for me...you don't have to stay and watch over me...I'm fine."

"You're not fine Nora...you haven't been fine in a long time..."

She didn't say anything because she knew it was true. She had even begun to shiver when the light was turned off. She understood that she needed the darkness for her condition but she couldn't help but remember the things that had been done to her in the dark.

"You're okay Nora...it's not real," Bo said, as she winced from the nightmares that continued to plague her. She knew that intellectually but sometimes she truly could not tell the difference.

"Would you..." She paused mid sentence...realizing what she was about to ask him to do...she couldn't do that...she couldn't ever need him again. "Would you call John for me...please...I don't want him to worry."

"Consider it done...You just rest sweetheart. Give your brain time to heal. It will be much better if it heals on it's own."

She knew he was right so she gave him a grateful smile... and he walked closer to her and lifted her bruised hand in his and gently kissed it. "What that monster did to you is unforgivable...but you know what...it's okay...it's okay to need someone...no matter how strong you are. I'll be back. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

She heard the door close a moment later and she let the tears fall more freely. He was wrong. Every time she had allowed herself to need someone, she had regretted it. She would not allow herself to count on him again...not now, not ever.

* * *

><p>Morning came to quickly and she rose to find him sitting in the chair beside her...<p>

"Were you here all night," she asked him?

"Guilty...It was either that or John would have come..."

"He's right," John said, poking his head in the door.

"You two are being ridiculous. I'm fine. When have I ever not been fine?"

"Fine isn't a word I would use to describe you, " the doctor said, as she entered the room. Bo and John just looked at each other in concern.

"How's the bleeding Doc," Nora asked, trying to lighten the mood?

"Good news...its drained on it's own."

"Does that mean she's well enough to make a statement about what she's been through," John asked?

"I'll allow it...but she doesn't leave this hospital until she's been examined again. "

They all agreed and when the doctor left Nora braced herself for the interview. John held the camera as Bo stood close to her out of sight.

"My name is Nora Hanen and I am here to give a statement about the shooting of Officer William Perry...a man who almost killed me."

She described in detail the events that had led up to his shooting and held up the pictures to document her claims. John promised to take them with the video when he went to see the Chicago police on her behalf.

* * *

><p>John, Bo and Nora stopped at a cafe not far from the hospital. John pushed a file across the table so Nora could look at it.<p>

"The reason I wanted you on this case is because of your connection to the Buchanan's."

"My family," Bo asked? "How is my family involved?"

"There's a very dangerous serial killer out there who is stalking your family...except I think they're a front...the real target is..."

"_Me_," Nora said. "The real target is _me_."

"Nora I'm sorry but I think everything that happened in Chicago is related...it wasn't isolated events...it was one guy."

"Oh God," she said, as chills ran up her spine. So much had happened to her back there...so much she didn't want to talk about.

"I've suddenly lost my appetite," she said, as she walked away from the table.

"What happened to her John? And don't tell me nothing because I can tell from your code language that something did. How can I help her if I don't know what's eating at her?"

"You keep coming back...I can't break her confidence Bo...The truth is that for a long time, I was the only one she trusted..."

"Were you in love with her," he asked?

"It doesn't matter...she was never in love with me...it was all you...all the time..."

He left him sitting at the table as he picked up the file. "You aren't wrong Bo. She's been through worse then hell. If you want her to open up to you, you have to prove that you've changed...and you have to mean it...I'll be honest...right now, Nora's not the only one who wonders if you can be trusted. You hurt her so badly in the past. What's stopping you from doing it again?"

"She hurt me too," he said.

"I know...but the difference is that you moved on...she never did...her life just got worse."

After John walked away, he knew that he was right. Something horrible had happened to Nora...something far worse then losing her child...and it scared him...what could be worse then losing your child...no matter how you lost them?

He threw a few bills on the table and went outside to look for her...there was some unexplained force that was making him keenly aware of the fact that she needed him more then ever right now.

"Where are you Nora," he asked into the sky? "Give me a sign. I need to know you're okay. Please God, let her be okay."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

There was a uniquely familiar scent as he walked down the freshly cut grass that was near the bridge...it was the smell of rain. It wasn't something that could be explained to the untrained eye...but it was something they had always experienced together...rain made him think of her...rain made everything more beautiful. That was when he saw her standing on the edge of the bridge, looking down into the ravine. She looked so small to him then...so fragile...and she had never once been fragile.

"Nora," he called, and she turned around...her face frozen with unshed tears. "Nora, would you please talk to me? You don't have to do this. You don't have to think your life is hopeless."

She could hear the faint tone of his voice but she couldn't hear what he was saying...she was lost in a world of pain and loss. Bo understood loss too...she wouldn't deny him that. But it was different for him...it was different because he still had his family...he still had his job...things to keep him company when the grief overtook him...She didn't have any of that...her entire future was riding on whether she could find a killer and prove to the feds that she was still worth taking a chance on...

"Why do you care," she choked out? "I mean really Bo...you walked away...you just packed up and walked out on us without even trying...to you, I wasn't good enough to fight for..."

"Come on Nora...you're not being fair..."

"Fair...you want to talk to me about fair...Is it fair that I had to sit in a courtroom full of people who I used to consider my friends...I had to watch them sit there and say nothing while Sam and his team of warriors painted me out to be some kind of monster...as if I would ever hurt my own child...I lost my son Bo...is that fair? Is it fair that we lost each other? You wouldn't even speak to me...and you never tried to stop me when I couldn't stay in town...you never picked up the phone to try and find me...It's as if I don't exist in your world anymore...as if we don't exist... and then one day I pick up a newspaper and I read all about your impending marriages...you don't think that maybe that would warrant some kind of warning...or do you really hate me so much that you think I deserved to be blindsided that way? "

"Nora, I don't hate you."

"You could have fooled me."

"What's this really about Nora...I know there's something."

"You think I'm going to trust you to tell you what that is...why should I trust you when you shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces?"

"You said you wanted me to come after you...what if I'm doing that now?"

"Your too late Bo...ten years too late...I don't have anything left to give you...you took it all...and Sam took what was left when he ripped my child out of my arms."

She rested her palms on the edge of the bridge as she looked down...she could feel him getting closer but she didn't dare let him know. It was then that the unshed tears tricked down her face.

"Do you know how easy it would be for me to just step off the ledge...I could be free then...free from all the pain that was holding me prisoner...I almost did it before you know? Except then it was with pills...If Viki hadn't called me when she did, I would either be dead or in an irreversible coma...She was the only one who still gave a damn about me after we ended...I guess it's true what they say...hard times bring out your true friends and reveal the fake ones."

Bo's voice was as choked up as hers when he finally spoke. "You tried to kill yourself," he questioned?

"I know it doesn't make sense to you...the woman you knew valued life...she embraced it...but Bo, I wasn't the same woman you knew...I was so depressed that I just didn't think I could get up anymore. I used to rise above the heartache. You could knock me down but I would always rise. I didn't want to rise anymore. I just wanted to stay there and forget. I know that you understand that kind of hopelessness because you felt the same when Drew died...but for me...for me I think it's almost worse. See as hard as it was for you to lose your son...you got that closure...you had a body to say goodbye to...you could mourn...and you didn't spend your days wondering if someday he would walk back into your life...that's the hardest part Bo...How do you say goodbye to a child that is still alive but you will never know...I have been spending these agonizing years trying to find a way to put my child behind me because I have been forced to live as if he was dead...But I don't get that closure Bo...I can't have a memorial...I can't lay him to rest...I don't get to mourn for him...he's growing up without me and I don't get to be a part of his life...I'm not allowed to see him, love him or even say goodbye...It's as if he doesn't exist."

"He existed Nora...he existed to you...and nobody can take that away from you."

"So how do I fill that hole where my child used to be...how do I go on living without him when I just want to close my eyes and never wake up?"

"Is that really how you feel? Do you really feel like your life is that insignificant?"

"Sometimes...sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me...sometimes I wonder if anyone would even miss me."

"I would."

"You would what?"

"Miss you...You don't know how lonely my life has been since you've been gone."

"You are the one who wanted it that way...not me."

"I didn't want you to just up and leave."

"Well then what _did _you want? You didn't want to be married to me anymore. You didn't want to be my friend. What did you expect me to do? Did you want me to stay in town and be used as an emotional punching bag because I'm sorry Bo but not even _you_ are worth that? You treated Criminals better then you treated me. And I didn't want to stick around and watch the train wreck.

"What do you mean?"

"How can you honestly be this dense? Did you think I _liked _hearing about your playboy life? You brought more women into your bed then _I_ did shoes. You really think I _wanted_ to watch knowing that it wasn't so long ago that it was just you and me...Did you think I was so desperate for your attention that I would _willingly_ put myself through _any _of that? It hurt Bo...loving you hurt more than anything I ever went through...because still loving you after you left me meant you had the power to break me...and you did...when you almost married Lindsay...She was the worst of all...When you almost married her, you might as well of stuck a knife through my heart because that's what it felt like. Does it feel good Bo…? Does it feel good to know that you _finally_ got your revenge? That you finally did the one thing you knew would destroy me.

" Do you _really_ think I _wanted_ to hurt you? "

" Didn't you? "

"No… For Gods sake Nora, I wasn't looking for any kind of revenge. I wasn't trying to hurt you. The last thing in this world I would ever want to do is hurt you.

"Then I'd hate to know what you would do if you were _trying_ to...it felt like _dying _when you _weren't_ trying."

"You and I aren't even…."

"_Aren't what Bo? I can't even give a name for what we are? I can tell you what were not? We're not married, we're not lovers, we're not even friends anymore. So what exactly are we Bo?_ "

He wished he could give her what she wanted...he didn't know any more then she did...he had been trying to find answers for as long as she had...but apparently neither of them had found them.

"Why do we need to be limited with labels Nora...we never needed them before."

"This isn't like the last time Bo...I won't allow you to feed me some line that is full of cockamamie bullshit. You won't snow me this time...You can't when I don't trust a single word you say."

"You've really hardened your heart Nora...isn't it lonely when you don't trust anyone?"

"It was lonelier when I expected things to be different. I don't expect anything from you now. You won't hurt me again."

He watched her walk away and his heart ached for her...it didn't matter what she said...he knew better than to think she was unaffected. There was some kind of heartache that was buried deeply in her psych...something far more painful then the end of their marriage...something that had convinced her that love wasn't possible...He didn't know if it was her abusive relationship with the cop...or if it was something far greater...but he would find out...he had to. The only thing he wouldn't do is watch her sink even further then she already had.

He picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"I need to see you as soon as possible. It's a matter of life and death. I'll be in touch."

* * *

><p>Nora was sitting in his office with a cup of chamomile tea when he walked in early the next day. John was sitting behind the desk.<p>

"Since when do you drink tea," Bo asked?

"Since I need to calm my nerves...not that its any of your business."

"Okay lets all just calm down...we need to come up with a game plan before there is another murder."

"What do you mean _another_ John," Nora asked? "I thought this guy had only succeeded in stalking so far?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about...You remember your roommate's death?"

She dropped the cup and her face turned deathly white...John immediately went to her and stopped her from picking up the pieces.

"Nora stop...I know what this is doing to you and I need you to be alert. You are our best shot at catching this maniac."

"He...he did this...he was responsible for...that."

"We think he was."

He paused as he helped her into the seat. "Sit down Nora...you need to breathe."

"What's going on here," Bo asked? Nora was in the middle of a full fledged panic attack so John spoke.

"I'm only telling you this because it relates to the case...Nora's roommate...one of her best friends in Chicago...well she was gunned down right in front of her...She died in her arms."

"I...I can't breathe," Nora gasped, and Bo handed her a paper bag. "Use this sweetie...you can do it...just breathe."

What she wasn't telling either of them was that it hadn't just been her roommate that had died...she had suffered far more then just that back in Chicago...and if they were connected...Murder flashed in her eyes as she looked at John.

"We need to find that SOB and make him pay."

"Does that mean you'll tell me everything you know," John asked?

Could she really do this...could she really tell him everything?"

"I'll try," she said.

It would be the hardest thing she ever had to do but she would try...for all she had suffered...for all she had lost...she would try. It was the best she could offer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

She wrung her hands in a nervous gesture when she turned to look at the two men in her life that she actually gave a damn about...her best friend and partner, who had always rescued her from the darkness and the man she knew she shouldn't but couldn't stop loving. She was afraid of sinking into the darkness that once swallowed her whole...but she also knew that lives could depend on what she did next. She couldn't tell them everything...she wouldn't tell them about the worst of it...but she could start with the questions they were asking.

"Lauren was my partner before John came into the picture...we were roommates...When I first joined the FBI, I was lonely and bitter and _she_ saw through that...somehow she was able to break through my defenses and because of that, she's dead."

"You know that's not true," John said.

"John, she took me in when I had nowhere else to go...she was killed as a message to me. If I hadn't been living with her, she would still be alive."

"You don't know that anymore than I know that Caitlyn would still be alive if I had done things differently. I get guilt Nora. But you have to stop burying yourself in it."

"How do I do that when there is so much that I did wrong?"

Tears started to burn her cheeks and Bo knew instinctively that there was something she wasn't telling. "This isn't just about your best friend's death is it," he questioned?

"It's about the reason I'm on suspension...or at least I was until John intervened."

"Are you still blaming yourself for that too," John asked?

'How can I not John...I was plastered. I had no business being anywhere near a case that important. If I had been alert than that little girl...she would still be alive...and you...you never would have gotten shot. How can you even stand to look at me right now?"

"We all make mistakes Nora...I've made my share of them...Bo's made his too..."

He gave him a knowing look, both of them knowing he was referring to his decision to walk away from Nora.

"Damn right I did," Bo agreed.

"But neither of your mistakes cost an innocent child her life...cost your best friend to take her last breaths as she lie dying in your arms...how am I supposed to live with that kind of guilt? How?"

"I don't know Nora...but you need to try...I went to bat for you in this case...but you need to snap out of this trance you are in...I'm not saying get over it...I'm saying put it in the back of your mind until we catch this killer...I need your full focus to be on the mind of a madman...can you do that?"

She took a sip of the water that Bo handed her and sighed. "I can do it. Nobody wants to catch this guy more then me. You can count of me."

"I know I can," John said, as he pulled her into a tight hug. "You are my best friend okay...I care about what happens to you...don't let the darkness swallow you again."

"I won't," she said. "What's next?"

"Do you have any idea who might want to hurt you," Bo asked?

"You mean other then you," she asked, and then regretted it when she saw his expression? "Sorry, bad joke."

"At least your sense of humor is still in tact...most of the time."

She ignored his last comment and turned her attention on John..."There is only one person in this entire universe who hates me enough to start killing everyone close to me...the same person who started this game when he stole my son."

"Sam, " Bo and John said in unison.

"Yes, Sam...but good luck trying to find him...He's managed to stay under the radar for over ten years...I've been trying to find him since that day he took my child...I only came close once...and then I was arrested for attempting to kidnap my own child. All I wanted to do was see him...and he made sure I never got to. Do you know what it does to me to wonder how he is...where he is...if he misses me...I can't help but wonder what kind of lies Sam has told him...he probably hates me by now."

"We'll find him Nora...we will," Bo assured her.

"How," she asked? "How do we find him?"

"Have you forgotten who you are dealing with...The Buchanan's have a lot of pull here...I've never liked throwing my last name around before but I'll use that influence for you..."

"You would do that for me," she asked?

"I would," he stated, as he walked to the phone. Nora just stood there dumbfounded. How could this be the same man who left her broken and alone a decade before? Just when she thought she had all the answers, life threw her another curveball.

"Who are you Bo Buchanan," she wondered aloud. "Are you this great man who is willing to jump through hoops for me...or are you that cold hearted bastard who broke my heart so completely? Why do you have to leave me so confused?"

"Haven't you learned by now that love _never_ makes sense," John said with a knowing grin. She threw a file at him in frustration.

"Great to have you back Sparky, " he said, before walking out the door. She could have killed him for leaving her alone with Bo...and that damn perfect smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

There was a tiredness that lurked beneath the surface...A sharp ache that hid behind her delicate smile. He could see it in the way she studied him across the room...deliberately keeping herself at arms length. When he put the phone down, she took a step back... burrowing her eyes into the ground.

"It's okay," he started to say, but immediately realized how much like cold comfort that would sound. "Okay maybe it's not okay now, but it will be. I just wish you weren't so resistant to accepting anyone's help...why are you so afraid Nora...what are you running from?"

She wouldn't look at him even as he spoke...he could feel the temperature in the room drop a few degrees...she had never been cold before...but she had never actually had a reason to be before either. Something had changed. Something in her life had been so terrible that she had been forced to shut off her emotions...the woman who's eyes eventually found his were the eyes of a woman who was dead inside...not the eyes of his ex wife...the warmest person he had ever known. _He just wanted to help her...in truth, he wanted to hold her and make all her fears go away...but he couldn't...he couldn't because it wasn't what was best for either of them..._

"Nora, please...please talk to me," he said...but she was running for the door...she was feeling the cold panic rise in her chest as she gasped for breath. "Nora, calm down. Please, calm down. You're going to give yourself a heart attack."

But it wasn't a heart attack...it was fear..."I...I have to go," she said quickly, and hurried out of his office. He couldn't figure out why she was so afraid of him...or maybe it wasn't him at all...maybe she was just...damaged... Too damaged to rationally figure out what was causing her so much discomfort.

"What happened to Nora," John asked, as he walked in the door? "Did you say something that upset her?"

"I wish I knew John...Something's going on with her...I can feel it..."

"She's had a rough life Bo...can you cut her some slack...this whole case isn't very easy for her...?"

"But why...why is she so afraid of me? Doesn't she know I would never hurt her...Doesn't she trust me at all?"

"Don't take it personally okay...She doesn't trust anyone...she's been proven wrong too many times...and you...you also happen to be the man she's been running from for too many years...the man who broke her heart...no matter how you cut it Bo...what Nora sees is that she wasn't worth your forgiveness...that's been eating at her for so long that it was much easier to believe all the lies that her abusive ex boyfriend told her...she's suffering right now...and nobody knows how to reach her...this is something she needs to work out on her own."

"But what if she can't John...?"

"Let's just give her 24 hours to get her bearings...maybe she just needs a little air."

He knew deep down that John was right...except he didn't like it...sometimes when Nora needed air, it was when they both suffered the most.

* * *

><p>The erratic way she was fleeing from the police station eventually gave way to a storm of intense anxiety and she thoughtlessly pulled the car over to an abrupt stop on a side street that was hidden by large trees. It was dark and raining so the only way anyone would know where to find her, is if they were looking for her...and she doubted that anyone would know the first place to look. Her face fell into the steering wheel as she collapsed in a puddle of nerves and tears.<p>

"_Momma, where are you...why didn't you save me_?"

It was Rachel's voice...she would recognize it anywhere...even in the dead of night when her baby girl was just a figment of her darkest nightmares.

"_I'm Sorry Rikki...Oh God, I'm so sorry."_

"Mommy, where are you...why did you leave me...don't you love me anymore?"

That was Matthew's voice...the child she had lost when he was a baby...the child that still haunted her even now.

"_Oh God, I'm so sorry little man...I'm trying to find you...I'm trying..." _

"But it will never be enough will it," Sam's voice taunted? "It will never be enough because _you're_ the reason your daughter is dead."

"_No...No, it wasn't my fault...I didn't know...I...how could I ever choose between my kids...a mother can't do that...a mother loves both her kids...I thought it was Matthew...I thought he was the one in danger but I...I was wrong...I'm so sorry baby girl...I'm so sorry." _

She felt the pressure on her chest as she reached for one of her pills...they were supposed to ward off the nightmares as well as the anxiety... but they never did. When she opened her eyes, she could still see her little girl bleeding to death in her arms...the words of her stalker echoing in her head..."_Choose which one of your children to save...if you choose wrong, one of them will die."_

_She did choose wrong...and now she was beginning to understand why._..she had never known the person behind the black mask...until now...Sam had never intended to kill Matthew...he would have gunned down her little girl no matter what she did...so why was there still so much anxiety holding her back? Was Sam hurting her little boy too?

"One of these days, I am going to find you Sam Rappaport...and when I do...I will _personally _make sure you have a one way ticket to hell...you killed my daughter...you _won't_ kill my son."

She was trembling when she finally pulled out her phone and called the one person in the world she had told everything to..."Viki, it's me...can you come get me?"

_She hated to ask for help...and it cost her everything she had to make that phone call...but she was a little too distraught to drive tonight...it was better than the alternative._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

She pulled her legs up to her chest as she buried her head against the steering wheel. She didn't seem to know how to make the tears stop.

_"You're going to wish you hadn't done that Bitch...You will know pain like never before."_

"_Go to hell," she raged, as she spit in his face._

_He hit her...he hit her hard...She never even flinched as she bit back tears._

_"Only a coward hits a woman...an even bigger coward does it with a mask over his face."_

_"You better watch it or that mouth of yours will get you in trouble."_

_"What's the matter, did I hit a nerve? Deal with it. I'm not going to make this easy for you."_

_"You're the one who wanted to take your daughter's place...now who's the coward."_

_"At least I don't hide behind a mask...I don't take my disgusting need to be in power out on people who aren't as strong as I am...People like you are the reason the death penalty was created...you deserve to be slaughtered for even thinking you have the right to breathe the same air as good, decent people."_

_"There is nothing decent about YOU...and you are going to learn to show some respect..."_

_"Make me."_

_"Still the fighter huh," he said, as he caressed a gloved hand over her face? "I'd be careful sweetheart...sooner or later, someone will knock that fight out of you."_

_"And you think it will be you?"_

_"If I have to...stranger things have happened."_

_"Don't go making promises you can't keep...I know how to make you hurt."_

_"Not if I hurt you first."_

Tears streamed from her face as she heard the knocking on the car door. She was rocking back and forth as the cold terror rendered her immobile.

_"No...No don't...don't touch me...please...please don't touch me." _

She was back in that place again...the place where she could feel the cold, hard floor beneath her as he tossed her to the ground. She was looking up at him with dark, intense eyes...pleading for him to spare her life...He had a mask on but she knew even then that he was someone she had once known...someone with eyes so empty and hard that they sent terror coursing through her veins.

_"Don't worry sweetie...I'm not going to kill you...although maybe you should use that mouth of yours to convince me why I shouldn't."_

_"I will never beg you for anything...you can take everything away from me but you will never break me...you will never take my dignity."_

_"We'll see about that. Not that you have much to begin with."_

_"You disgusting piece of garbage."_

_"Now Now...you know better then to talk like that...play nice now darling."_

_"I am NOT your darling...I am not your ANYTHING."_

_"Fine...then you can be my whore..."_

"Nora...Nora, sweetheart, it's okay..."

She felt the hand on her shoulder and she jerked away in defense..."Please don't hurt me...please."

"Sweetie it's me...It's Viki...You're safe now...Your safe."

"Viki," she asked, as tears cascaded down her face. "Viki, is it really you?"

"It's me...Sweetie, take my hand...Can you do that? Can you give me your hand?"

She hesitated briefly as the pain from the memory filled her shattered heart with impossibilities... but eventually she found the strength to take her best friend's hand and they walked to her car. When they were driving away and Nora was seated securely in the passenger seat, Viki asked her the tough questions.

"You were thinking about your rape weren't you?"

"Tell me it gets better Viki...tell me that the pain goes away..."

"I wish I could...I can only tell you that you learn to survive...you did a very brave thing Nora...you saved your daughters life...you took the attack that had been meant for her...you made her run to save herself...you are a wonderful mother."

"It didn't matter Viki...he still found her...except he didn't rape her this time...this time he killed her...and he made me choose...he made me choose which child to save...he's a monster Viki...every bad thing he put my kids through was done for the sole purpose of destroying me...and he succeeded...one of my children is dead and the other..."

"He did _not _succeed Nora...he didn't break you..."

"I am not the same woman I was when I left Viki...I still have to struggle every day to get up and keep breathing...I still have those moments when I really want to swallow that bottle of pills and never wake up...he didn't break me but he sure as hell sent me into a living nightmare...this isn't living Viki...and I'm tired of hurting..."

"I know you are...and _nobody_ understands the pain of losing a child more then I do...but you can't give in to those demons...if you do...Nora, you'd be letting him win."

"So how do I do this...how do I live every day without my children...I can't even accept Rachel's death...I still wake up every morning and call her...it always goes to voice mail and one day I know that Hank will get tired of placating me and shut off her phone...what am I going to do then...what am I going to do when I can no longer pretend that my little girl is just on a vacation...and what about my son...am I ever going to see him again...the last memory I have is when he was a little baby...he doesn't even know me Viki...who knows what lies that bastard is spreading...How is it fair that he gets to spend every day of his life with MY son...How is it fair that Matthew grows up without his mom...grows up thinking that I didn't want him...that I abandoned him..."

She pulled the car into her driveway and stopped the car...She cupped Nora's face in her hands as she looked at her. "This _isn't_ fair Nora. _None_ of this is fair. It is bad enough when your child dies like my Megan did...but when they are murdered like Rachel...when they suffer...I understand how you feel okay...but you haven't lost Matthew yet...please don't give up on him...please..."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a photo..."Now you'll have a new picture of him to fill your mind...focus on that...Focus on bringing Sam Rappaport to his knees..."

"Thank you Viki...Thank you for being the best friend I ever had..."

"You don't have to thank me for that...you know that I would do anything for you...I love you."

"I love you too. "

Viki got out of the car and went to open Nora's door. Her best friend was in more misery then she had ever seen her in before. She wasn't taking any chances. She would stay with her tonight. She wasn't giving her an option.

* * *

><p>Rex walked into the diner and sat across from his friend and mentor, who looked about ready to explode.<p>

"What is it...no offense but you look like hell."

"I need you to do a job for me...and the timing is critical."

"Sounds pretty serious."

"It is...I need to find out where Sam Rappaport is hiding."

"Isn't that the guy that..."

"Please don't go there Rex...You and everybody else knows what happened. I don't need a reminder."

"Okay...Then why are you so determined to find him."

"Because he stole Nora's son..."

"Stole?"

"Rex, she lost custody of her kid...Sam cheated to get him...he used things that never should have been used...things that weren't true...and Nora, she's..."

"Wait...you've seen her...and how is it...after all these years..."

"How is _what?_"

"Don't play dumb with me Bo...It doesn't suit you..."

"Look, my personal life...or lack thereof... is _not _up for discussion...I'm trying to find her son..."

"Because you still have a thing for her..."

"_Rex._.."

"Bo, you _know _that I love you but...we both know that you never got over her...why are you so afraid of admitting that?"

"Maybe because her betrayal just about broke me...I'm _not_ doing this for_any_ reason other than the fact that she didn't deserve to lose her kid..."

"Then you are living in denial-Ville. You _can't_ chase away love... even if you know it's bad for you...though I'm not entirely convinced that it is."

"Are you going to do this for me or not?"

"I'll do it...but sooner or later, you two are going to have to deal with your past...This town is _too _small for you to keep avoiding each other. It's going to boil over."

Rex walked away and Bo stared into his empty glass of Beer...and ordered another. One thing that seeing Nora again had done for him was bring up all those old embers he wanted to forget...embers that even now still burned in his mind...He couldn't forget her even if he tried.


End file.
